Kelly Harriger

GROUND ZERO

Excerpted from “The Failure of Logic,” a novel-in-progress 

Dating had been a horrible experience for Daniel, and he hadn’t dated anyone in the decade since he’d graduated from college. To be specific, he hadn’t dated anyone he’d found truly interesting. He had no real problem with casual dating, other than he had no real interest in casual dating. If he dated a woman just to have someone to dine with, or see a movie with, or simply hang out with them, there was never any issues other than lack of long-term interest and planning how to eventually end the relationship. The problem with casual relationships was that Daniel always knew, within fifteen minutes of meeting someone, how long the relationship would last, and from that point forward it was just a matter of working toward the ending and making the most graceful exit possible when the preordained ending arrived.  

But as soon as he met someone who really captured his interest, the anxiety came charging out of the barn and it was all over. He simply found it too mentally exhausting to really be interested in a woman. Every time he’d meet some woman who interested him, his mind ran wild when he wasn’t with her. He wasn’t capable of thinking about her in moderation, or assuming that her moment-to-moment life was as mundane as his. While dating, in his time apart from a woman he found truly interesting, his mind would take the most innocuous comment or gesture she would make, add way too much meaning to it, and in the space between the last time he saw her, and the moment he’d see her again, he imagined her completely forgetting that he was alive, and instead living a breathless, wild, sex-filled and wonderful life with everyone but him, in vibrant living color and with a blaring, pulsing soundtrack, in a flower-painted converted school bus filled with artists and musicians, traveling the winding backroads of the country and billowing pungent smoke and overwhelming excitement behind it for miles. 

And then, upon seeing her again, and realizing she’d done little but brush her teeth, comb her hair, go to work, buy groceries and make her bed, he’d feel foolish and completely exhausted for allowing his mind to expend so much wasted energy on absolutely nothing of consequence or substance. Then, once back together, they would enjoy each other’s company, have wonderful conversations, read books to each other, watch movies, go hiking, possibly have sex if they were both in the mood and didn’t have too many magazines to catch up on, say goodbye, and then the cycle would spin out of control all over again, and again and again. Anxiety was a relentless, rain-swollen river, and Daniel had been pulled along and drowned in it daily for as long as he could remember. And then he met Maya.

Maya had been the game-changer for Daniel, and she was the one he hadn’t seen coming. Daniel had spent his entire life to that point believing in the fantasy that his soulmate was out there, and somehow, someway, after fourteen billions years of bouncing around the Universe in various forms, the particles that would form the atoms that would form the molecules that would form Daniel and his perfect soulmate would manage to arrange themselves at the correct time, and somehow, someway, those collections of molecules would come into contact, and they’d both know it on the spot, and their collective breaths would be taken away, and they’d each know in the searing moment that their eyes met that there was simply no way the Universe could keep them apart any longer. Daniel had bought into this sappy horseshit story for most of his life, and it protected him from the painful reality that he simply had no idea what he wanted, and so he clung to a hopeless fantasy instead, one that would keep him from finding any true or lasting or meaningful relationships for some time. 

What stunned him about Maya was that everything had happened in reverse of what he’d dreamed up for himself, and he had been shocked to wake up one day and realize that the woman he’d fallen in love with had not been the perfect woman of his fantasy. They’d started as friends, simple and casual friends. He’d met her through mutual acquaintances, had found her fun and interesting, and immediately knew he wanted to be friends with her, but nothing more. She was very smart, very funny, and a joy to hang around with, and he quickly found himself fascinated with her wit, spirituality, intelligence and compassion. Over time, and in the company of other friends, he was drawn to her, and they’d often find themselves on the corner of a patio, just the two of them, drinking, talking, and laughing until the late hours of the evening. He realized, to his surprise, that in many ways she thought just like he did, and viewed the world just like he did, and realized the absurdity of it all, just like he did. She got it, and he got it. The only real difference was that she appeared to have discovered a way to deal with it, while he hadn’t, and that became the source of his growing attraction.
The single stumbling block that prevented Daniel from fully realizing that he’d fallen for Maya was that he hadn’t experienced that immediate rush, that flush of recognition, that heart-pounding, gotta-have-her, can’t-live-without her, this-is-the-one epiphany that he had always known would happen at the moment that the perfect “she” arrived in his life. That never happened with Maya, and so Daniel, who’d honed his senses to only detect his perfect fantasy woman when she arrived, never saw Maya slip under his radar and enter his life. For nearly two years after meeting, he loved to be with her, but kept her at arm’s length while continuing to wait for the hallowed Perfect One to arrive. Maya, who always lived in the moment but with her eyes on the long game, seemed to realize that life, at its best, is simply a collection of life’s better moments, and didn’t seem to care one way or another how Daniel viewed her, as her moments with him were always happy ones for her. She enjoyed their time together, and when she wasn’t with him, she created new and happy moments for herself with other people. Maya’s contentment with any sort of arrangement didn’t make it any easier for Daniel to discover his growing love for her. He had grown to love the longing he felt for a perfect love, and didn’t want to let go of the longing, even when real love, an attainable love, was staring him down in the form of a wonderful and loving friend. 

Compounding the problem was Daniel’s creeping suspicion that his own quest for the perfect woman was severely flawed. He’d actually felt that heart-pounding, this-is-the-one epiphany several times in his life (as had the objects of his attention), but after the initial flush of sexual energy and physical attraction had run its course, they were left with a less than stellar attraction for each other, and the realization that there wasn’t a true friendship in place to sustain them beyond the initial rush of emotions. The failure of his quest only pushed him deeper into the fantasy, convincing himself that they reason these intense encounters hadn’t panned out was because neither he, nor Miss Perfect, were ready to fully make a commitment. And so he pushed on for some time, a clueless man on a clueless quest for a fantasy that would never pan out or yield anything other than a few months of passionate sex, heavy breathing over pesto penne and Pinot Grigio in a trendy trattoria, and eventual heartbreak, typically delivered electronically to avoid eye contact and the embarrassment that comes from realizing you’d made yet another failed, hasty decision that ended in an emotional cul-de-sac. 

Of course, this endless cycle of waiting for Miss Right, thinking he’d found her, and then realizing that he’d only found the physical part of the mind/body/soul triad, began to wear thin. This slight change of status finally opened the door for Maya, even though Daniel wasn’t minding the door, and Maya wasn’t exactly looking for it. Much to Daniel’s surprise, this sudden realization that a wonderful woman had entered his life hit him suddenly, and without warning. The circumstances under which it happened were unremarkable, and a regular part of both their lives. 

They were at a summer gathering with friends, where they both encountered each other regularly, and the evening started as those evenings always had, with drinks and laughter and meaningless banter between their regular gathering of acquaintances and a few close friends. Daniel sat in a lawn chair on one side of the yard, holding court with a group of younger adults who always seemed to appreciate his wit and wisdom and earnest cynicism, and who seemed completely unaware that they were dealing with a thirty-something, anxiety-ridden child. Across the lawn, leaning on the pool bar, looking like she’d just stepped out of an Italian movie from the 1960s with her vintage sunglasses and golden hair lit by a Tuscan sun, stood a goddess of such stature that Daniel felt diminished and humbled to be in her presence. He was even more stunned by the sudden realization that he’d known this woman for almost two years, and had never realized what magnificence was right in front of him. He completely lost his train of thought, and his attention was so completely focused on Maya across the yard that the young, attentive adults who’d been hanging on his every word all turned and looked at Maya, too. 

The incredible, exquisite creature across the lawn from Daniel suddenly seemed aware of the attention being directed her way, and turned toward Daniel and his following, her gaze parting the crowd between them. She looked right at him, smiled brighter than a million suns, and just like that, Daniel was hit head-on by the Love Train, which hadn’t even had the courtesy to blow its whistle before the collision. He sat in his chair, stunned and confused by the sudden impact, and the people around him sat stunned and confused as well, looking back and forth from Daniel to Maya, as they tried to piece together what had just taken place. 

Maya sensed immediately that something was different, and held Daniel’s eye contact evenly and without blinking. He had no idea what his face was telling her, but her expression and her eyes spoke and filled his heart with joy. A tortured and nebulous joy, to be sure, because Daniel immediately began to deconstruct and question every emotion that passed through the interrogation room of his mind, but it’s fair to say it was some form of joy, one that would sustain him for the remainder of the night. Maya smiled and motioned for him to join her. Daniel excused himself from his loyal group, and walked across the lawn to the pool bar and Maya, and stepped into yet another chapter of his life. Maya had not pulled her gaze from the moment she’d made eye contact, and they continued to stare into each other’s eyes as he approached. When he reached her, she smiled again, and Daniel suddenly felt nervous, like a high school teen about to ask a crush for a first date. He realized in that instant that he was standing face to face with the coolest woman on the planet. 

Daniel stared into her face, and found his mind flooded with two years worth of moments he’d spent with Maya, and he realized that it was those two years worth of encounters, those quiet little moments they’d shared, gently layered and woven together, that had brought him to this point. He looked at her again and remembered everything that he’d ever noticed about her—the two thin, curved lines that curled around the outside of her mouth like the arc of a tulip, her large brown swirling liquid eyes, the whiteness of her perfect teeth, the softness of her lightly tanned skin, the flare of her nose that moved when she spoke, the gentle sweep of her arms through the air when she talked, the shake of her head and movement of her dark blonde hair when she laughed… and the laugh itself, so perfect and melodious, so free, so spontaneous, so unguarded, that Daniel often found himself saying and doing anything just to make her laugh and hear it again. Her laugh was the most lovely sound in the entire Universe—he was sure it was—and he realized at that moment that he wanted to hear it always. He’d always been convinced that at the very core of the Universe, we’d someday discover that it wasn’t all cold science and equations, but a brilliant music so perfect and beautiful that we’d find it unbearable to hear in our present flawed state. Maya’s laugh, he now realized, was a bit of that music, leaked out into the world in a dose he could handle and appreciate, and he suddenly understood why he tried so hard to bring it forth at every opportunity. As he stared at her, he was struck by his own past blindness to her attributes, and stunned that it had taken him so long to see them as a whole. How could he have been so blind? How could she have remained alone for so long? He stood in front of her, nearly overcome by the moment, and having no experience in a situation such as the one he was currently in, he did what he did best. He plunged forward blindly, with no plan and no expectations for any particular outcome. 

“Can we start spending more time together?” he blurted. 

Maya laughed. “Where did this suddenly come from?” 

“I’ve had an epiphany. Simple as that.” 

“What sort of epiphany?”

“I just realized I want to be more than friends,” he said. 

“Well, I know you well enough to know that this epiphany is not alcohol-induced. What do you think I should say?” 

“I’m hoping you’ll say yes. We know each other very well as friends. We love each other as friends. We’ve shared our most private secrets with each other over the past two years. Neither one of us has had a serious relationship in that time.” 

“That’s because you’re socially inept. I’m simply picky, and never really needed a man to feel whole,” she said with a smile. 

“Please. I’m serious.” 

“I can tell,” she said. “When would you like to start seeing more of each other?”

“Right now?”

“Can I have some time to think about it?” she asked.
“Of course.”

She took a sip of her drink, and smiled slightly. Daniel watched the two lines around the outside of her mouth curl and move, and her lips parted, and she spoke. 

“Okay. Let’s do it, amigo.” She tipped her drink toward him. “Cheers.” 

And in that moment, both their lives changed forever, and they both knew it. Someday, Daniel was certain, they’d rule the world together.