Peggy Zortman

Assume

ASSUME

Chase here, Former Shelter Dog reporting.

  This human species is hard to understand. Their language is confusing. I have to keep learning new words. For example…

  The other day Mister and Missus went away for a while. They gave me a pat on the head, a big dog biscuit and told me to be a good boy. “We won’t be long,” they said.

  I met them at the door when they came home and asked for my treat. They always have one, but not today. Instead they carried long foil-wrapped things that smelled like food. I was content knowing I would get my share of whatever was hidden inside.

  I had to wait while they removed boots, coats, hats, gloves and all that stuff humans put on to go outside when it’s cold. All the while I guarded the long silver paper wrappers waiting on the table. The aroma was so intense I found myself drooling. I waited. I’d get my share, I thought. I always do.

  Finally they sat down and unwrapped the long shiny wrappers to reveal bread, filled with some kind of meat covered in a red sauce —lots of meat. I watched and waited while Mister and Missus ate their share. I’m a patient puppy.

  Finally they finished what they wanted, leaving about half of each sandwich uneaten. I waited. 

  Mister wrapped his back in the foil and put it inside the big white box they call a refrigerator, but the leftovers from the sandwich my Missus ate remained on the table unwrapped…and she walked away.

  I assumed (that’s the new word I’ve learned) she just forgot to put it down where I could get it, so I reached up, grabbed a corner of the crinkled paper, and pulled.

  The whole thing came down on top of my head. It left red sauce on my nose, but I could clean that up later. I chowed down on that meat and although I didn’t fancy the sauce I ate that too.  I was just cleaning the floor when Missus came back. She wasn’t happy. Apparently dogs aren’t supposed to eat “barbecued pork”.

  Later that night my belly hurt really badly and I regretted my decision to help myself. Missus sat on the loveseat with me until I went to sleep and later Mister slept on the couch near my man cave in case I needed him.

  As for that word assume? It means if you only think you know something—you probably don’t. Take my word for it: NEVER ASSUME!

  This is Chase, signing out.

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